Apr 5, 2008

Fruit Salad: EXPOSED


While grocery shopping this aft, I picked up one of those pre-made fruit salads at the grocery store to munch on back at the ranch. It looked great - pineapple, strawberries, blueberries - that's serious num factor. Right?

WRONG.

My friends, the time has come to demand honesty in packaging, and that means the end of the term "fruit salad".

After eating the pineapple and the strawberries, which ended up being literally one piece of pineapple and one strawberry cut into 6 shuriken-thin slices, what was left? Why, what's always left! FUCKING MELONS.

If you like melons, you will like this salad. If, like me, you find the taste of melons similar to the taste of feet, you have been ripped off again by the fruit salad ILLUMINATI.

Yes, melons technically qualify as fruit. Everyone knows this; everyone knows. But to me, "fruit" is plural. That means "many fruits". That means "the U.N. of light salads".

That does not mean "this salad is made entirely of melons with two pieces of fruit that actually taste pleasant spread out on top to fool you into purchasing it."

I checked the bottom and I saw the melons and I, like many melon-loathers before me, sighed and resigned myself, but dudes...dudes. Look at that salad. Look at that orphaned, isolated blueberry.

That is a melon salad.
That should be labeled "Melon Salad With Melancholy Blueberry".
That should be named "Lie Salad".

5 comments:

Brian said...

Less fruit for you equals more leftover melon for me. As your partner, I approve.

veganbilly said...

Melon-lover.
Well, at least you're not a stupid crappy anteater.

Robert A Vollrath said...

You've opened my eyes to the melon lies we're told by false so called salad makers everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Cora's. Ottawa
Just one cameo appearance by the deadly melon.
The rest of cast included blueberries, bananas, pineapple, strawberries, kiwis, and raspberries.

Thought of you the whole time.

Jooolz

Starcasm said...

Soooo, I don't dig the melon salad either. We want fruit in our fruit salads, we don't need this outrage to continue. Give us strawberries, and blueberries. Give us peaches and kiwi. Apples even, and pineapple. And please, is it too much to ask for a little mango now and again?